“I was so scared I could feel my poopiejarjars shrinking, actually pulling up into my body cavity,” said Rescue McDouglass (his and his wife’s name have been changed to preserve their anonymity). “To think California’s Proposition 8 very nearly failed to pass.”

“That’s right,” said his wife Shyinane, “for a minute there, watching the results come in in our Gary, Indiana home (the names of their city and state have been changed to assure no retributive measures will be taken against them, their neighbors, or their choir) I thought we were going to erupt into some kind of fight from which our union could never recover.”

Rescue nodded assent. “Something was about to break,” that’s for sure. “It was as though my wife’s (the pet name for her undergarment cannot be mentioned for fear it might answer to the call of a stranger) would be rent and all her vital juices could then stream away from the marriage bed.”

Shyinane said, “It was as though all that money we gave to the ‘Yes on Prop. 8′ campaign (the figure cannot be quoted because gay hackers might access the McDouglass’s bank account, steal from it, sowing the seeds for a bitter financial argument, and thus thrust them into divorce court) had just been flushed down the porcelain heresy throne.”

Rescue and Shyinane took each other’s hand and performed a mini-betrothal, a celebration of each other that took only a few seconds, then ushered me to the (I am unable to name the portal as it might reveal the nature of the dwelling in which these creatures reside) and ushered me adieu.

Writers note: Normally, I am happy to honor my subjects’ wishes for anonymity, but fuck these two. Their names really are Rescue and Shyinane McDouglass. They live in Salt Lake City, Utah, and Shyinane’s silk undergarment answers to “Motoguzzi”.

Oh, and their bank account is #43-868-55a-296fz, First Bank of the Tabernacle.

4 Responses to “Heterosexual couple’s marriage nearly destroyed.”

  1. EmilyD Says:

    Hypocrisy is: polygamists & pedophiles dictating morals to gays. REPEAL PROP 8!

  2. Elizabeth C. Says:

    I agree, repeal Prop. 8. I can’t understand how many heartless and ignorant people can deny marriage to gays. And I’m a white heterosexual female who has Mormons in her lineage. That’s why I’d like to point out that, regardless of their stance on Prop. 8, and the heartlessness of the couple Fred writes about, most Mormons are not polygamists and/or pedophiles. Emily D., in that derogatory term, I’m sorry to say, you sound like the groups of people who band together in the name of some cause or another to spread hate.

  3. (required) Says:

    I want to know who designed the Magic Underwear. It reads like a butcher chart; loin, brisket, butt, breast, weener.

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