Sharp-eared Goopers taped and reversed every word uttered during the Democratic Convention this week. “We may be behind the times,” said Republican Technology Czar Reuben Dove, “but our good old Nagra tape system delivers the goods when you’re listening in on our enemies.”

“One must remember,” he continued, “phonetic renderings are just that. Do not expect to transcribe these tapes and have them ‘read’ (finger quotes his) the same when reversed on the page.”

The Republican Convention will rely heavily on these backward playbacks.

“What city are you in, Daddy?” (Obama’s 6 year-old daughter) becomes: “Daddy’s record explodes in a fiery ball of hypocrisy.”

“America, we are better than these last eight years.” (Barack Obama) becomes: “Our cheesy policies will last as long as the fiery balls of the roman candles at the end of the convention.”

“I support Barack Obama.” (Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton) becomes: “The American countryside will give off a rising gasp of steam like the fiery balls of the whoremongers William Jefferson Clinton and Franklin Delano Roosevelt being dipped into the Great Salt Lake.”

In addition, Mr. Dove says the entirety of Bruce Springsteen’s music when played backwards sounds like Woodrow Wilson reading The Protocols of the Elders of Zion.

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