TCP: the Babe Unit.

August 21st, 2008

Something about To Catch a Predator gives me the willies — and it’s not the guys that creep me out so much. It’s the idea that a big audience shares the vicarious thrill of catching a grown man in the act of trying to have sex with a young girl. By all means, let’s catch these people, even if it means setting up a sting. But broadcasting it to the retribution-deprived public smacks of hey guys, let’s go watch a lynching.

In the wake of another report of a female teacher sentenced for having sex with a fourteen year-old boy (Beth Ann Chester, Pittsburgh, PA) , I’m waiting for TCP to expand its franchise to the apprehension of twenty-something babes — for babes they are. Yes, teenage males, horny as they may be, require a high level of hotness in their pursuers. There are rock-solid biological reasons for this. Check out pictures of their seducers.

You ask, how does the sting work for TCP: The Babe Unit? Instead of the fortyish Chris Hanson, the host-prosecutor of Babe Unit is Joey Handsome, fourteen year-old freshman at Civic Minded High, Des Plaines, Illinois.

Each week, the school hires a new female teacher, in whose class Joey is placed in a totally flirtable location, say back row center. Joey snakes his lanky, muscled frame over his seat, but doesn’t pull any of that come-hither stuff. He’s got to seem vulnerable. His job is to be an average student, but earnest. He really really really wants to know how “The Road Not Taken” applies to his life, now that he’s living with foster parents who are never at home and wouldn’t peek their noses into his room if they were.

Of course, Babe Unit has to include an element of sting. Joey leaves a letter addressed to his best friend (AnyOtherTown, U.S.A.) in an opened folder on his desk. How he needs an understanding adult female to replace the beloved aunt who died last year at age thirty. Maybe some photos of himself and this “aunt” looking extra-chummy.

That’s it. See who bites.

All these elements can be tweaked in a focus group made up of viewers of the present To Catch A Predator.

There you go, NBC. If you’re following this blog, call me. Here’s a picture of me pissing into a bottle. Interested?

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