The Man who Called B-5.

August 5th, 2008

The James Bond franchise presents its 22nd movie, “Quantum of Solace”, this November. It’s star, Daniel Craig, is the 6th to play Bond. The others, in approximate order, are Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, and Pierce Brosnan.

I’m proposing a 23rd, and final, Bond movie: “The Man who Called B-5.”

Time: August 25th, 2030. Sean Connery’s 100th birthday. Setting: the Sunset Living Center, a nursing home overlooking the ocean in San Francisco. Characters: All six actors who played Bond, various other film actors who played CIA, KGB, and spy types, along with their doctors, nurses, visitors, and caretakers.

Plot Summary: The nursing home disallows residents over the age of 100 to call Bingo games. Connery, who’s enjoyed the privilege since he turned 80, stews over the arbitrariness and injustice of such a rule. Since the Bingo Caller is an esteemed position which brings with it access to willing nurses and TempurPedic hospital beds, he is driven to convince the Committee for the Preservation of Virtue and the Prevention of Venery to change the rules. Pierce Brosnan, even more robotic at 75 than he was at 40, is the committee chairman.

Brosnan has promised the Callership to Timothy Dalton, who shares a room with Roger Moore, recently dead, whose body rests, preserved and propped up in bed in front of a blaring TV. The TV has been planted with a virus that attacks the skin’s ability to endure flannel. A chip/activator is set to explode within the set when it hears the call “B-5″. Those infected will die of the freezing cold San Francisco summer.

Before the final Bingo game, B-5 has been removed from the set of numbered ping-pong balls. The winner of a game of Blackout will replace Connery as the coveted Caller.

Okay, the plot isn’t figured out yet, but this is a big movie with lots of plot input expected during shooting. Tons more stuff happens which will be added entirely by whim — a 1957 Aston Martin ambulance crashes through the Bingo room, Daniel Craig’s electric razor is rigged to translate Tagalog and alerts him to an attempt on his life by a team of nurse’s aides.

All I know for sure is that Connery prevails, gets laid, and enjoys dinner with Nurse EuroDollar — they eat the last two wild salmon on earth.

As for who called B-5. Does it matter?

2 Responses to “The Man who Called B-5.”

  1. Kevin Wolf Says:

    I see a cameo for the soon-to-be retired George W Bush. Something like being in a Hummer that blows up.

  2. Jean McKenzie Says:

    when was your last drug-screening?

Leave a Reply