1. Squeeze a tongue-dampened pinky into the quarter inch space between the serrated teeth and the over-large roll — attempt to rotate it until the corner of the end tissue comes free.
2. Insert a soda straw into the dispenser and suck until the corner of the tissue can be grasped.
3. Have small intelligent child with tiny fingers accompany you during bowel movements.
4. Call Georgia-Pacific paper company (designer of this particular double-roll toilet paper dispenser) on your cell phone — ask them to rush a service representative to your bathroom.
5. Using a claw hammer, bust loose and/or pry the attractive plastic and sheet-metal dispenser from its moorings, then kick TP rolls off the facing wall, so one or the other bounces within reach.
6. Wipe your butt with your hospital gown and continue to do so each day until the institution agrees to install simple wooden-dowel TP holders.

2 Responses to “Six ways a hospital patient can get the toilet paper started.”

  1. Bob Gilbert Says:

    Dick Cheney—Now there’s an ass wipe. And if he’s too busy, he could give those spare-no-expense shit kickers at Halliburton another no-bid contract.
    Bombs away, Fred.

  2. james cutts Says:

    Hey Fred,
    Funny list, Excuse me for writing you a note here but i don’t think i still have your email. Or i’m too lazy to dig it up… wait here it is- i’ll email you….

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