April 12th, 2008
AMP: Doctor, will I ever play the piano again?
DOC: Of course, you still have all your fingers.
AMP: No, the pedaling.
AMP: Doctor, can I get one of those springy prostheses like I see in the commercials? I want to compete in the Olympics.
DOC: Youâ€™re a single amputee. Youâ€™ll just go around in circles.
AMP: Yeah, I want to do the shotput.
AMP: My wife wants it missionary only, which hurts my stump. My girlfriend loves doggie-style, but I keep falling over. Now my sex life is blowjobs from hookers in my car.
DOC: I think we can solve this with drugs. With your wife, Percosetâ€™s great for stump pain. As for your girlfriend, we now have some marvelous pharmaceuticals that mediate the inner ear and balance.
AMP: What about the hookers?
DOC: Itâ€™s tricky. The VA covers hookers only if youâ€™re in an ambulance. Iâ€™ll take a look at the paperwork, but I really think youâ€™ll do better with Medicare Part B.
DOC: Whatâ€™s the matter? The prosthesis hurt?
AMP: No, itâ€™s fine, doctor. I take long walks every day.
AMP: I donâ€™t know. Something else is going on. Iâ€™m obsessed. I think my childâ€™s deathly ill, my business is kaput, my wifeâ€™s fucking off on me. But I know, objectively, none of that is true.
DOC: Youâ€™re suffering from phantom grief, phantom despair, and phantom jealousy.
DOC: Letâ€™s try a little visualization. When you step on a crack, what happens?
AMP: I havenâ€™t noticed.
DOC: Okay. Imagine it breaks your motherâ€™s back. Can you see that?
DOC: And when you step on a line — what?
AMP: it breaks my fatherâ€™s spine?
DOC: Exactly. Itâ€™s a way of remapping the brain. You put the emotional pain outside yourself.
AMP: Wonâ€™t it hurt my parents?
DOC: Have they ever come to visit you?
DOC : There you go. Try some more. Step on the grass.
AMP: Kick my fatherâ€™s ass?
DOC: I think our work is done.