Ask the Amputee Doctor.

April 12th, 2008

AMP: Doctor, will I ever play the piano again?
DOC: Of course, you still have all your fingers.
AMP: No, the pedaling.

AMP: Doctor, can I get one of those springy prostheses like I see in the commercials? I want to compete in the Olympics.
DOC: You’re a single amputee. You’ll just go around in circles.
AMP: Yeah, I want to do the shotput.

AMP: My wife wants it missionary only, which hurts my stump. My girlfriend loves doggie-style, but I keep falling over. Now my sex life is blowjobs from hookers in my car.
DOC: I think we can solve this with drugs. With your wife, Percoset’s great for stump pain. As for your girlfriend, we now have some marvelous pharmaceuticals that mediate the inner ear and balance.
AMP: What about the hookers?
DOC: It’s tricky. The VA covers hookers only if you’re in an ambulance. I’ll take a look at the paperwork, but I really think you’ll do better with Medicare Part B.

DOC: What’s the matter? The prosthesis hurt?
AMP: No, it’s fine, doctor. I take long walks every day.
DOC: Great.
AMP: I don’t know. Something else is going on. I’m obsessed. I think my child’s deathly ill, my business is kaput, my wife’s fucking off on me. But I know, objectively, none of that is true.
DOC: You’re suffering from phantom grief, phantom despair, and phantom jealousy.
AMP: Shit.
DOC: Let’s try a little visualization. When you step on a crack, what happens?
AMP: I haven’t noticed.
DOC: Okay. Imagine it breaks your mother’s back. Can you see that?
AMP: Yes.
DOC: And when you step on a line — what?
AMP: it breaks my father’s spine?
DOC: Exactly. It’s a way of remapping the brain. You put the emotional pain outside yourself.
AMP: Won’t it hurt my parents?
DOC: Have they ever come to visit you?
AMP: No.
DOC : There you go. Try some more. Step on the grass.
AMP: Kick my father’s ass?
DOC: I think our work is done.

One Response to “Ask the Amputee Doctor.”

  1. John the MUNI Driver Says:

    Hey Fred,
    Sorry to hear that you are sick. Hadn’t seen you on the bus and thought that something was amiss.
    Old soldiers don’t like hospitals and I figure that it goes the same with you.
    I hope that they are treating you decent at the VA.
    I will email again.

    MUNI John

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