Up the down toilet seat.

December 10th, 2007

In a unisex bathroom I leave the toilet seat up.

Here’s my thinking, If the man who follows me in pisses, that toilet seat will remain dry. Put the seat down, though, and there’s a twenty-five percent chance he wont lift it. That means you, woman, get to sit on his pee — or you have to go to the trouble to clean the seat.

So, no, to the three or four women who’ve expressed strong negative opinions on my practice, I am not being a rude prick.

I have reliable intelligence on womens’ bathroom habits. A number of them — known as standers — are too germ-phoblic to lower their own cushiony parts onto the seat. They straddle, bowlegged, over the porcelain — seat down — and then pee. This results in a mess. It would be a very easy thing for the stander to lift the seat (yes, grab a little piece of toilet paper if you wish to keep the cooties off you hands).

Next subject — hand-washing. After a bowel movement, of course I wash. E. coli belongs in your gut, not on the outside of your body. Certainly not on your hands.

But I do not wash my hands when I urinate. Unless it’s for show (there are those circumstances). First, I seldom or never piss on my hands. More important, urine is sterile. It may be the only sterile body fluid.

Ah, more than one critic has said, but you have just handled your penis. Indeed. But my penis was not hanging from the dirty strap on the bus. Nor did it brush the crumbs off a filthy countertop at Denny’s. It did not hold a wrench, pencil, baseball, or carpet-beater. And it did not pick my nose. My penis has rested, since my very recent hot shower, in freshly laundered tightie-whities.

Cleanliness has been a bogus industry. Antiseptic soaps, horse-collar toilet seat covers, hot air hand-dryers, and automatic flush systems, just to name a few.

The immune system. Use it or lose it.

7 Responses to “Up the down toilet seat.”

  1. Lawrence Felch Says:

    My tactic is to put the seat AND cover down (though there is usually no cover in a public restroom; this works more for residential affairs). This is, of course, after I’ve done my business. The reasoning is that women will complain about having to put the seat DOWN, but have no problem exerting the same amount of energy to lift the cover UP. I’ve never met a woman who complained about lifting the cover.

  2. tony pierce Says:

    Amen. I’ve long realized that at least 32.5% of men (though your 25% is possibly valid as well) are vicious seat-pissing anti-socials who need a righteous dunking in a fluid of their own creation. I have had the conversation / argument in my head about whether it was more or less gracious to leave the seat lifted. Usually I leave it up. Sometimes, as I leave, I pass a woman going into the room and I wonder if she is scowling at me as I walk away in haste. She thinks I’m the bad guy, but really, I’m just misunderstood. I feel like a bit of a martyr.

    I think it might be worthwhile to leave a card on the toilet, explaining why it has been left up. Furthermore, this might encourage other women to do the same.

    Remember: the life you save may be your own.

  3. brady Says:

    technically the non-sitting women are known as “hoverers”.

  4. Dean Says:

    I don’t buy the whole having to leave the seat down rule in the first place. I mean it is just passing on the responsibilty for making sure there is something to sit on to someone else isn’t it? Do women just randomly sit their butts down in other rooms without first making sure there is something there to support them? I mean men sit on the toilet too. As a matter of fact, probably look forward to it and relesh it much more than women. So it is just as much an issue for them as it is for women, yet I never hear of any men complaining about the seat being left up.

  5. Cody (older than my name sounds!) Says:

    Yeah, men won’t usually complain about that. I don’t think a women would sit down before looking and fall in. (If she did, she’s stupid) Soo I just leave the seat up. Who cares anyway? I have a penis not a vagina soo I always leave it up. XD!!!

  6. curlierthanthou Says:

    Ah, and all this time I had you figured as a boxer guy. Another dream gone kaput.

  7. samranes Says:

    nice to see that this topic is finally getting some airtime. Keeping hush-hush about it doesn’t make it go away… BTW, here’s some more info about stringy parasites in bowel movement for those interested.

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