May 31st, 2006
Watching the brilliant Mormon soap opera, â€œBig Loveâ€, the other night. In the compound, the bad guysâ€™ Hummer rolls into frame, looking like Darth Vader. It hit me — the genius of the design. There are many other wasteful assemblages of steel and glass prowling suburbia, but this oneâ€™s really got menace.
No wonder the Hummer sells so well to the big-cigar crowd. Itâ€™s cool to be scary. How CEO-like. Iâ€™ll bet the Wizard of Oz owns one.
Whatever the demographic is, theyâ€™re probably not going to warm to the documentary in the works: â€œHummerbums.â€ The Hummerbums is a gay Hummer-owners association. And itâ€™s a big group. In fact, it represents 28% of Hummer H-1 owners.
One scene in particular stands out. It’s just the back end of a Hummer in a canyoned wilderness at dusk. The bumper sticker reads, â€œIf this Hummerâ€™s rockinâ€™, donâ€™t bother knockinâ€™.â€
Actually, many scenes deserve attention. (1) A helicopter shot of a convoy of fifty-two Hummers snaking through Burlington, Vermont. The admiring townsfolk gaping and waving to the Hummerbums like it was a wartime victory parade. (2) A Jimmy Hoffa search-and-rescue mission of a dozen Hummers. They fill the parking lot at Machusâ€™ Red Fox, the suburban Detroit restaurant from which Hoffa was kidnapped. The film crew follows them to a water hazard near the 16th hole of the Bloomfield Hills Country Club where the Hummerbums drag the pond for remains. (3) A Goldâ€™s Gym parking lot where pumped-up teams of six Hummerbums each take turns tipping each others H-1s on their sides.
This movie is going to be a splash of icy water pitched right in the face of the typical macho Hummer owner — whether he be pimp, jock, or fat cat. Watch for it this October. See how many straight guys are buying Hummers come December.