July 16th, 2013
Every few years, among my more philosophical friends, the conversation turns to reincarnation. Generally I tire of it quickly — primarily because the vessels chosen for their souls are so cliched. Eagles, tigers, bulls, sharks, even snakes. The aggressive list should tell you that very few women have been among the chatterers. I hope this changes, but I fear disappointment. Physical aggression is a pretty attractive capability if your — and your family’s protection — is uppermost on your list of qualities.
My friend Richard is a very thoughtful man. He worked exceptionally hard for about thirty years as a gardener for the city. It’s a job that rewards the ability to live comfortably with only your thoughts to keep you company. It’s physically demanding, but when your eight hours are done, you can go right home — or not. Richard is often in the midst of a trimming job that he wants to get just right, and when he’s in the zone (yes, gardeners have zones too) he wants to finish. Even if it means putting in another hour of uncompensated work. So when he told me that when he dies, he wants to come back as a barnacle, I wasn’t surprised.
Now, I don’t believe barnacles are hard workers. Richard is, but that is probably not the attraction. They attach themselves to their host at their foreheads. Their testes are nearby (in their heads), allowing the sperm easy access to the shifting currents, so they may become parents. Having balls in your skull may be attractive to some men, but I don’t think Richard is one of those types either. It’s possible the attribute that attracts Richard is the one that would attract the rest of male-kind if we only knew about it: Barnacles have the longest penis to body ratio of any creature in the animal kingdom.
Wolves, Tigers, Foxes, all you guys who wear the Reincarnational Crown — why don’t you just go into the the woods, curl up in a leafy glade, and lick your nuts. You’ve been outgunned.