March 1st, 2007
Phone rings (Fox News theme ringtune).
Condoleezza: Secretary Rice.
Secretary: Will you hold for Ms. Rice?
Condoleezza: Wha? Who? Huh?
Condoqueesha: (picking up) This is Ms. Rice.
Condoleezza: Condoqueesha? Is that you?
Condoqueesha: Oh, Iâ€™m sorry, Condi. I thought my secretary was putting me through to Keith Olbermanâ€™s office.
Condoleezza: You are shitting me. Your secretary?
Condoqueesha: You shush now. This call may be recorded.
Condoleezza: What for?
Condoqueesha: For volume two.
Condoleezza: Of what?
Condoqueesha: My memoirs. Volume one is called â€œSister in the Middle,â€an account of my position as your go-between from the black community to the racist white power structure you serve. Keith Olberman is putting me on his show, Crosstown.
Condoqueesha: Thatâ€™s it.
Condoleezza: Now, why would they have gotten in touch with you?
Condoqueesha: My agent. I have an extroardinary young gentleman from the William Morris Agency assisting me in my efforts.
Condoleezza: Whatâ€™s with this â€œextraordinary young gentleman assisting me in my effortsâ€ lingo.
Condoqueesha: I followed your advice, Condi, and took a â€œWhite Englishâ€ class.
Condoleezza: I recommended Standard English.
Condoqueesha: The Learning Annex listed it as â€œWhite English.â€ But have it how you will, dear sister. At any rate, my agent, Darryn Kell, was a classmate.
Condoleezza: Let me get this straight, you are writing a â€“
Condoqueesha: Oh, itâ€™s all written. Iâ€™m just translating it now.
Condoleezza: Into what?
Condoqueesha: Into White English, Condi. What else?
Condoleezza: (long silence) Youâ€™re being patronizing.
Condoqueesha: (corrects her) Condescending.
Condoleezza: Either way, youâ€™re speaking to me as a child.
Condoqueesha: Might I remind you, I am ten minutes older? And in that ten minutes I might have learned something you did not know. In fact, Iâ€™m rather sure I did. At the aforementioned Learning Annex, one of the White English passages we used for pronunciation exercizes was a report on The Marshall Plan.
(long silence â€” Condoquesha continues)
Condoqueesha: Did you realize he was the Secretary of State under Truman? No, of course not. If you had you certainly would not have compared post-Saddam Iraq to post-Hitler Germany.
Condoleezza: Now, Keith Olberman was just making some presumptious â€“
Condoqueesha: â€” Presumptuous. Itâ€™s one of the â€œu – o – u – sâ€ words. You must pronounce the â€œuâ€ in the penultimate syllable.
Condoleezza: You are getting stone uppity, sister.
Condoqueesha: Masters in Poly-Sci from Notre Dame vs. the Learning Annex? Itâ€™s just too amusing.
Condoleezza: Why are you going on Countdown? Seriously? Is it simply to humiliate me?
Condoqueesha: Of course not, Condi. The publisher made it a condition of getting my advance to appear on any and all shows. Itâ€™s called book promotion.
Condoleezza: And what is your advance?
Condoleezza: And what would it cost to keep you from going Olbermanâ€™s show?
Condoqueesha: You do the math. (long pause) Go ahead, Condi, say it. I know you can say it.
Condoleezza: Fitty K.
Condoqueesha: Thatâ€™s it, perzackly. And donâ€™t be sendinâ€™ me no Chevron stock, nohow. If you eschew cash, invest it in the Chinese market anâ€™ send me the ree-ceete. Chopsticks, â€˜lectronics, automobiles â€” donâ€™t make no nevahmind to me. Them Chinese could march six billion yuan a day, side by side, right into the South China Sea and still keep making money.
Condoleezza: Iâ€™m not going to see you on TV?
Condoqueesha: Maybe â€œAre you smarter than a fifth-grader?â€ Cause I know I am.
Condoleezza: Very well.
Condoqueesha: Au revoir.