Phone rings (Fox News theme ringtune).

Condoleezza: Secretary Rice.

Secretary: Will you hold for Ms. Rice?

Condoleezza: Wha? Who? Huh?

Condoqueesha: (picking up) This is Ms. Rice.

Condoleezza: Condoqueesha? Is that you?

Condoqueesha: Oh, I’m sorry, Condi. I thought my secretary was putting me through to Keith Olberman’s office.

Condoleezza: You are shitting me. Your secretary?

Condoqueesha: You shush now. This call may be recorded.

Condoleezza: What for?

Condoqueesha: For volume two.

Condoleezza: Of what?

Condoqueesha: My memoirs. Volume one is called “Sister in the Middle,”an account of my position as your go-between from the black community to the racist white power structure you serve. Keith Olberman is putting me on his show, Crosstown.

Condoleezza: Countdown.

Condoqueesha: That’s it.

Condoleezza: Now, why would they have gotten in touch with you?

Condoqueesha: My agent. I have an extroardinary young gentleman from the William Morris Agency assisting me in my efforts.

Condoleezza: What’s with this “extraordinary young gentleman assisting me in my efforts” lingo.

Condoqueesha: I followed your advice, Condi, and took a “White English” class.

Condoleezza: I recommended Standard English.

Condoqueesha: The Learning Annex listed it as “White English.” But have it how you will, dear sister. At any rate, my agent, Darryn Kell, was a classmate.

Condoleezza: Let me get this straight, you are writing a –

Condoqueesha: Oh, it’s all written. I’m just translating it now.

Condoleezza: Into what?

Condoqueesha: Into White English, Condi. What else?

Condoleezza: (long silence) You’re being patronizing.

Condoqueesha: (corrects her) Condescending.

Condoleezza: Either way, you’re speaking to me as a child.

Condoqueesha: Might I remind you, I am ten minutes older? And in that ten minutes I might have learned something you did not know. In fact, I’m rather sure I did. At the aforementioned Learning Annex, one of the White English passages we used for pronunciation exercizes was a report on The Marshall Plan.

(long silence — Condoquesha continues)

Condoqueesha: Did you realize he was the Secretary of State under Truman? No, of course not. If you had you certainly would not have compared post-Saddam Iraq to post-Hitler Germany.

Condoleezza: Now, Keith Olberman was just making some presumptious –

Condoqueesha: — Presumptuous. It’s one of the “u – o – u – s” words. You must pronounce the “u” in the penultimate syllable.

Condoleezza: You are getting stone uppity, sister.

Condoqueesha: Masters in Poly-Sci from Notre Dame vs. the Learning Annex? It’s just too amusing.

Condoleezza: Why are you going on Countdown? Seriously? Is it simply to humiliate me?

Condoqueesha: Of course not, Condi. The publisher made it a condition of getting my advance to appear on any and all shows. It’s called book promotion.

Condoleezza: And what is your advance?

Condoqueesha: $49,500.

Condoleezza: And what would it cost to keep you from going Olberman’s show?

Condoqueesha: You do the math. (long pause) Go ahead, Condi, say it. I know you can say it.

Condoleezza: Fitty K.

Condoqueesha: That’s it, perzackly. And don’t be sendin’ me no Chevron stock, nohow. If you eschew cash, invest it in the Chinese market an’ send me the ree-ceete. Chopsticks, ‘lectronics, automobiles — don’t make no nevahmind to me. Them Chinese could march six billion yuan a day, side by side, right into the South China Sea and still keep making money.

Condoleezza: I’m not going to see you on TV?

Condoqueesha: Maybe “Are you smarter than a fifth-grader?” Cause I know I am.

Condoleezza: Very well.

Condoqueesha: Au revoir.

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