Another call from Condoqueesha.

February 9th, 2007

(phone rings – Brahms G minor Rhapsody ring tone)

Condoleezza: This is Dr. Condoleezza Rice.

Condoqueesha: Girl. Somepin’ happen? You pickin’ up all formal. (mocks) This is Dr. Condoleezza Ri-yeece.

Condoleezza: Lighten up, Queesh. (long pause) I don’t know which way is up anymore.

Condoqueesha: Take a look down at your long skinny black toes.

Condoleezza: What?

Condoqueesha: The other way is up.

Condoleezza: Oh, ha ha, I get it. Funny, funny.

Condoqueesha: You ain’t laughin’.

Condoleezza: That goddamn Barbara Boxer has the unmitigated gall, saying “Condoleezza Rice, single and childless, doesn’t have a personal price to pay in this war.”

Condoqueesha: Damn, sister, you denser than a block of pubic hair in a trash-compactor. Don’t you see – it’s time for you to come out?

Condoleezza: Don’t you breathe a word. I’ll cut your checks off so quick.

Condoqueesha: You ever stop to think maybe I’m tired of raising up your child?

Condoleezza: Shhhh! There’s people listening in.

Condoqueesha: That’s your bad. Hear me — I’m serious as a twenty-four karat kidney stone — you put it out that you’re a mother of a –

Condoleezza: Stop it.

Condoqueesha: Chevronetta’s fifteen now and she’s talking about goin’ in the Marines.

Condoleezza: No no no no no! This can not happen.

Condoqueesha: Solve all your problems. Private Chevronetta Rice – she looks just like you, ‘cept she’s hot. Then the world will know you really do have a personal stake in Operation Numbnuts. Plus, all that lesbian noise’ll stop quicker’n a Ford out of warranty.

Condoleezza: It’s a big step.

Condoqueesha: Shut that Boxer woman up, toot sweet.

Condoleezza: (sotto voce) Laura, too.

Condoqueesha: What’s that?

Condoleezza: Nothing.

Condoqueesha: Don’t you worry. Auntie Queesh will always be there for her. She knows her momma’s a busy lady.

Condoleezza: I don’t know…

Condoqueesha: You got to shit or get off the pot, little sister girl.

Condoleezza: One thing, Condoqueesha, I always have to ask. What’s in this for you?

Condoqueesha: Fitty K.

Condoleezza: Fifty thousand dollars?

Condoqueesha: You lay two hundred thou on Armstrong Williams for the “black point of view” on No Child Left Behind. Hey, what’s fitty K? It’s less than one pallet of money.

Condoleezza: Hmmm.

Condoqueesha: Make that ‘rug muncher’ shit go bye-bye.

Condoleezza: Okay. Let’s do it. You win. Check your mailbox in a few days.

Condoqueesha: Send it FedEx.

Condoleezza: Why?

Condoqueesha: I got stock.

4 Responses to “Another call from Condoqueesha.”

  1. Art Says:

    While I enjoy many of your other blogs, this one seems a bit racist.

  2. fwickham Says:

    Art, I appreciate your comment. But when I see a black woman like Condoleezza take on all the worst attributes of the white crowd she so obviously adores, a ghetto black woman like Condoqueesha makes an irresistible foil. Especially since Queesh has qualities — imagination, smarts, and a grasp of reality — that Condi clearly lacks. Okay, Queesh schemes for money. Is that a racial thing? Or is it the black english? Anyhow, I think it’s the best contrast to Condi’s equivocating white-speak. Okay, enough self-defending here. But my intent is to mock Condi and the racists she plays footsie with.

  3. wendy Says:

    Fred,
    Is it possible to get all the Condoqueesha dialogues in one place (arranged chronologically) without other blog entries in between?

    Thanks,
    Wendy

  4. Janet Says:

    Fred,

    I just read all the Condi pieces, and they are VERY clever. I don’t see anything racist about them — forget that. What I see is a very well done unmasking of duplicity and an example of how pandering for personal gain twists perception and clouds ones natural intelligence — assuming they are identical twins. (Is there any other reason for pandering? And look where it got Gonzales. Will she get hers, do you think?)

    Thanks!
    Janet

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