February 9th, 2007
(phone rings â€“ Brahms G minor Rhapsody ring tone)
Condoleezza: This is Dr. Condoleezza Rice.
Condoqueesha: Girl. Somepinâ€™ happen? You pickinâ€™ up all formal. (mocks) This is Dr. Condoleezza Ri-yeece.
Condoleezza: Lighten up, Queesh. (long pause) I donâ€™t know which way is up anymore.
Condoqueesha: Take a look down at your long skinny black toes.
Condoqueesha: The other way is up.
Condoleezza: Oh, ha ha, I get it. Funny, funny.
Condoqueesha: You ainâ€™t laughinâ€™.
Condoleezza: That goddamn Barbara Boxer has the unmitigated gall, saying â€œCondoleezza Rice, single and childless, doesnâ€™t have a personal price to pay in this war.â€
Condoqueesha: Damn, sister, you denser than a block of pubic hair in a trash-compactor. Donâ€™t you see â€“ itâ€™s time for you to come out?
Condoleezza: Donâ€™t you breathe a word. Iâ€™ll cut your checks off so quick.
Condoqueesha: You ever stop to think maybe Iâ€™m tired of raising up your child?
Condoleezza: Shhhh! Thereâ€™s people listening in.
Condoqueesha: Thatâ€™s your bad. Hear me — Iâ€™m serious as a twenty-four karat kidney stone — you put it out that youâ€™re a mother of a â€“
Condoleezza: Stop it.
Condoqueesha: Chevronettaâ€™s fifteen now and sheâ€™s talking about goinâ€™ in the Marines.
Condoleezza: No no no no no! This can not happen.
Condoqueesha: Solve all your problems. Private Chevronetta Rice â€“ she looks just like you, â€˜cept sheâ€™s hot. Then the world will know you really do have a personal stake in Operation Numbnuts. Plus, all that lesbian noiseâ€™ll stop quickerâ€™n a Ford out of warranty.
Condoleezza: Itâ€™s a big step.
Condoqueesha: Shut that Boxer woman up, toot sweet.
Condoleezza: (sotto voce) Laura, too.
Condoqueesha: Whatâ€™s that?
Condoqueesha: Donâ€™t you worry. Auntie Queesh will always be there for her. She knows her mommaâ€™s a busy lady.
Condoleezza: I donâ€™t knowâ€¦
Condoqueesha: You got to shit or get off the pot, little sister girl.
Condoleezza: One thing, Condoqueesha, I always have to ask. Whatâ€™s in this for you?
Condoqueesha: Fitty K.
Condoleezza: Fifty thousand dollars?
Condoqueesha: You lay two hundred thou on Armstrong Williams for the â€œblack point of viewâ€ on No Child Left Behind. Hey, whatâ€™s fitty K? Itâ€™s less than one pallet of money.
Condoqueesha: Make that â€˜rug muncherâ€™ shit go bye-bye.
Condoleezza: Okay. Letâ€™s do it. You win. Check your mailbox in a few days.
Condoqueesha: Send it FedEx.
Condoqueesha: I got stock.