With the abdication of Pope Benedikt XVI the conservative wing of the Catholic Church is alarmed that so many of the candidates for Pope are against guns. Though it should not come as a great surprise — Pope John Paul was anti-gun and anti-death penalty — the church is liberalizing. What this means is that the power structure must do whatever it has to do to restore fundamental Christian values and counter the increased secularization of the developing countries.

Today, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, departed the United States for a three day trip to the Vatican to meet with fellow Opus Dei members and design a strategy to 1) maximize the chance of selecting a white-skinned European or a light-skinned African who speaks with only a hint of the accent of his home country, and 2) choose a gun lover. Number 2 will be a challenge given that the necessary gun lobbyists are largely Protestants and constipated.

Pat Buchanan, whose speaking engagements are largely limited to high school graduations, said yesterday at an emergency commencement at St Joseph High School in Wayne, Michigan, “a world without a second amendment cries out for a Pope who loves guns as much as he loves humanity.”