Transcript of telephone call to Condoleezza Rice from her twin sister, Condoqueesha. Oct, 2 – 7:47 p.m.

Condoleezza: Condoleezza Rice..

Condoqueesha: Just saw you on the tube. They all up in your face now. An’ I’m here for you, Condi. For the cause.

Condoleezza: Oh, hi Condoqueesha. Look, I’ve got Matt Lauer out front waiting for –

Condoqueesha: That boy Tenent warn you Osama comin’ at the tall towers with widebodies! He lay it on you as of July oh-one. Is he talkin’ crazy, or you been bullshittin’ me along with everybody else?

Condoleezza: I thought you were in rehab.

Condoqueesha: Non-responsive, sister. Lissen up. He got his CIA homey, J. Cofer Black corroboratin’!

Condoleezza: I don’t answer to you, Condoqueesha.

Condoqueesha: Condi, you gotta come down hard like a muthafucker ‘fore this get beyond your skinny fingertips. Dig?

Condoleezza: Nor do I need your assistance.

Condoqueesha: Three thousand R.I.P. in that rubble on your watch — an’ Tenent sayin’ he warned you! Sheeeit. You must git crackalatin’.

Condoleezza: (long pause — crying) I know.

Condoqueesha: Word.

Condoleeza: Can you…

Condoqueesha: Make it go? Fah Sho.

Condoleezza: Really and truly?

Condoqueesha: Fitty K.

Condoleezza: I could do that. But it would be wrong.

Condoqueesha: (laughs) You need somethin’ on that writer man, Mistah Woodward.

Condoleezza: Well, he looks at me. A lot.

Condoqueesha: Say no more. I’ll fuck that boy till his pointy head breaks off like Pez. Get him to take back all he wrote and more.

Condoleezza: I have to go.

Condoqueesha: Sister, send that Fitty K Western Union. They givin’ away a million dollars to some lucky customer. Could be us.