The compliment.

August 27th, 2011

I had polenta in the microwave while I was watching Gosford Park on TV. The food alarm let me know the polenta was cooked, but I was busy playing and replaying a complicated scene, studying this wonderful piece of art as it so fully deserves. A minute later, the alarm beeped again, but I couldn’t be bothered. Then it beeped a third time, I wheeled into the kitchen, muttering aloud, “I’m coming, I’m coming. Just hold your fucking horses.” Earlier, I’d banged my elbow on the corner of my office table, and said to it, “Goddam. Too sharp. Bastard!”

That was all yesterday. This morning I knocked over my glass of water and blamed the glass, “Fucker.” It was a vat of a glass, wide and heavy, but it was at fault all the same. The tablecloth was soaked, so I grabbed a plastic water container and stuck it between the table and the tablecloth so it could dry out. I came back home tonight and the tablecloth was dry. I pulled the container out from under, held it up, admired it. “Good job,” I said.

Why is it some objects are such a pain in the ass, and others behave so nicely?

7 Responses to “The compliment.”

  1. jamie Jobb Says:

    You are on to something here … pay rapt attention!

    Stuff sticks to me and it won’t let go. I know about electromagnetism gone amok. This could be happening to you.

    The walls have ears and the stuff, well … it has boots made for walking. Look out!

    Thank God for low humidity.

  2. Jim Rosenau Says:

    The corporate jet, the table, the Mormon undergarment. Fred gives voice to the apparently voiceless and we are all better for it.

    This compliment was written with recycled pixels.

  3. joan Says:

    funny, fred! thought about a piece where all the sports-figure appliances–george foreman grill, joe dimaggio’s mr. coffee, and the like–become openly critical of a guy handling similar situations in his kitchen.

  4. fwickham Says:

    That’s great, Joan. You ought to write it up.

    Best,

    Fred

  5. grace Says:

    this a.m. I was carrying a cloth bag of groceries in and felt it leaking on my foot. By the time I got it on the counter, the was veggies and cheese were floating in a pond of OJ. Nice going, OJ! I had to wash my groceries then.

    Oh, at the store I used the CoinStar machine and turned in all my loose change and got $135 back. Kewl.

  6. Scott Keck Says:

    Fred – ha, man, I laughed my ass off at this piece (I’m getting caught up on my BR fix as I was on vacation). I cuss at inanimate (but no less culpable!) objects every day. Remember that great Twilight Zone episode about the guy that is persecuted by the inanimate objects? Reminds me of that. Or one of my favorite Improv games, “Trouble with Objects”. Good stuff. Glad to be back on the Rooster train…

  7. Scott Keck Says:

    Oh, and yes, Gosford Park is a delightful film. It led me to an appreciation of “Downton Abbey” on Materpiece Theater.

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