January 2nd, 2011
Celebrity Fuck-Off — Christian Bale, Courtney Love, Mike Tyson, and Andrew Breitbart are empaneled to serve up bile. Do-gooders, planet helpers, and altruists in general are shat upon. Nice guy Bill Moyers auditions with the question, “In a world in which religion is poison to some and salvation to others, how do we live together?” He is ripped up by Breitbart. “Oh Suck-Up to Lord President Lyndon Johnson, He of the Great Society — religion is poison, is it? Go to Liberal Hell and don’t forget to FUCK OFF.” Mike Tyson decked talk show host Charlie Rose before Charlie even said a word. As Charlie came to on the studio floor he muttered “today’s guest is –” at which time he received a kick in the ribs by Courtney Love. Christian Bale, after ten seconds of intense actorly introspection supplied the “FUCK OFF.”
Celebrity Hand-Job — Celebrities Scarlett Johannson and ex-senator Larry Craig provide l’action de la main. A contestant (and they are all straight males) is asked to perform a brave and manly stunt of his choosing. Piggyback an old, overweight crippled person down a staircase. Scale the face of Mt Rushmore to rescue an endangered, broken-winged Dakota Falcon from the nostril of George Washington. Punch out Mike Tyson for his cruel treatment of Charlie Rose. Anything that takes manly guts. Scarlett and Larry have the sexual response areas of their brains wired for activity (left anterior cingulate, right orbito-frontal cortex, right insula, and right caudate nucleus). Whichever of the two celebrities burns with the most desire, he or she performs the hand-job.
Celebrity Dump — (Details available upon request.)
*Thanks to Tony Pierce and Mike Brodhead for ideas for Celebrity Fuck-Off and Celebrity Hand Job. I take sole credit for Celebrity Dump.