1. I am ashamed of what happened yesterday in the White House. I think it is a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation, British Petroleum, could be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown — in this case a twenty billion dollar shakedown.

2. I apologize to Al Reddle, the town sign painter in Dinkwell, Texas, where I grew up. The foul and onerous Civil Rights Act of 1964 took away his source of income. 70% of Al’s business was painting “White” and “Colored” drinking fountain signs, which he rendered in an elegant cursive script.

3. It is reprehensible American citizens have to endure fluoride in their toothpaste and drinking water. Karl Marx simply adored fluoride. He spread it on his biscuits in the form of a hammer and sickle, which appeared red after the biscuits were baked. I apologize to the world for the actions of my country’s FDA.

4. The U.S. president — not my president — has made comments critical of Liberia’s leader, Charles Taylor. I regret deeply the charge that Taylor has fomented wars in which drugged children have been used as cannon fodder, had their arms hacked off, and have been systematically raped. And so what if they have? How else do you keep those pickaninnies in line?

5. It is appalling that a country that could make the atom bomb cannot devise a way to keep Mexicans out of the country while, at the same time, having them pick the fruit we grow. Dichotomies such as matter and anti-matter were mastered by our physical scientists, but our social scientists have been too busy recording bus schedules in Spanish and Chinese.

6. I apologize to the Waffen SS — whose graves my President, Ronald Reagan, prayed over — for invoking their leader, Adolf Hitler, to demonize Barack Obama. Our use of Hitler’s mustache implies no lack of respect. Sometimes multiple loyalties are necessary to root out socialism. But this is not a criticism of National Socialism.

– Sorrowfully, Joe Barton, U.S. Congressman –