A wit leaving Peets stops by our raucous table and says by way of leaving, “Sounds like you guys are solving all the world’s problems.” Actually, nobody solves the world’s problems — over a coffee table or a war table. Today our sights were set lower. Solving coffee shop bathroom etiquette.

Somebody returned from the toilet and complained the seat had been left up. Guy, a molecular biologist, suggested up is the most hygienic way to leave it. On flushing an aerosol is produced which hovers above the toilet for a minute or two, then settles on the seat. If the seat is down. I added that men will often not take the trouble to lift the seat and will piss all over it. It happens enough that leaving the seat up might be the best strategy.

But I am not an absolutist regarding whether the seat should be left up or down. Caden suggested we needed a term for somebody like me, who is indifferent to the matter. I suggested “ambitoile.”

Other matters. Is it advisable to touch the bathroom door handle only when holding a paper towel? My thinking is unless the germs are so large as to be visible, don’t bother.

A few years ago a New Yorker writer did a piece about germ transmission at a 300 person party in Iceland. One person attended having had a fluoroscopic marker applied to his nostrils. Within an hour, under fluoroscopic light, 95% of the party-goers had were shown to have become contaminated. You can use toilet paper on handles all day long and wash your hands every five minutes and you will still pick up germs. Your immune system — use it or lose it.

A couple hours later, catching up with family at another Peets, I followed one of the female workers into the restroom. She had left the paper horse-collar on the seat. One end of it was in the pot, wicking up water. I had to lift it up and out, then drop it back in. It wouldn’t have flushed down.

Is there a name for this person? Ex-employee?