November 5th, 2009
Raging discussions about H1N1. How to prevent? How to ameliorate? How to avoid passing it on to loved ones? We, at the Whitey Small Insititute for Sane Lifestyles, have collated all the findings. We are proud to offer “The I-Don’t-Need-No-Stinkin’-Vaccines” cookbook.
Recipes for a sample menu:
Ingredients: Acai berries, Vitamin D1, D3, D5 (or any odd-numbered D vitamin), handful of Scarab beetle antennae (these serve as internal acupuncture Zang Fu needles for lung health), Dri-Wall, gum arabic.
Set Dri-Wall aside. Smoke the remaining ingredients over a cork fire then mash until liquid. That’sÂ your filling. Wet Dri-Wall and shape it into a mega-fiber crust. Add gum arabic to repair intestinal damage caused by Dri-Wall. Sprinkle with dark chocolate to taste.
Ingredients. Duck leg meat, duck skin, duck broth, ivy vines (no leaves), iron-thiamine monotritrate, and caraway seeds.
Soak caraway seeds in duck broth until seeds germinate, separate seedlings from husks, set seedlings aside, add duck meat, add 10 cc iron-thiamine monotitrate, and stir in a non-leaded ceramic bowl. Cover tightly with duck skin until you see an obvious gas build-up. Darken kitchen, bring Flu Stew to the table, prick a pinhole in the skin, and light. Wait until the small blue flame goes out and serve with toasted mini-bagels.
Vine wrapped salad logs.
Carrots. Celery. And ivy vines (you thought we’d forgotten those, didn’t you?) Let’s throw you another curve: Pull those ivy leaves out of the compost pile, too. You’ll also need gingko-biloba for memory and North Korean ginger for controversy.
Bury carrots and celery for three days in high pH soil. Retrieve them after they have wilted and smell like Kimchi. Wrap carrots and celery tightly with the ivy vines and serve on bed of ivy.
How do you know you’re part of a healthy society? When lines for The “I-Don’t-Need-No-Stinkin’-Vaccine” cookbook are longer than those for the H1N1 vaccine.