A month ago, the female voice that told me, “Thank you for calling — please dial your password and press pound,” changed from that of an upbeat midwesterner to one with a slightly southern twang and just a breath of phone-sex. After ten years I’d grown fond of Upbeat Midwesterner, imagining her across a dinner table, or riding next to me in the bucket seat of a Miata on a cross-country road trip, or inner-tubing on Cass Lake in southern Michigan, splashing water at me. But never did my thoughts stray to sex with her.

But that day — just seconds after that first experience with the new voice — the familiar upbeat midwesterner returned and said, “You have seven saved messages. To review your messages, press 1.” Boy, I was relieved.

But I’m changing. I’ve checked my voicemail at least fifty times and the Slightly-Southern-Twang-with-a-Hint-of-Phone-Sex lady is working her magic. She does only the greeting — all the other commands, options, proposals, and counter-proposals are voiced by Upbeat Midwesterner. But now I want more. I want the new lady to tell me how many saved messages I have. I want her to tell me how to change my greeting. I want to hear her say “press 3 and 5″. I want her to tell me all the odd numbers.

I don’t know whether Upbeat Midwesterner is checking out. I hope so — and I hate myself for hoping so.

I’ve called AT&T to see if they can tell me what’s up, but I just get a lot of female voices speaking various languages. I’ve never been within twenty minutes of an answer, because that’s my voicemail hold limit.

I got scared today, though, because those first few words — “Thank you for calling” — were coming from a man. Not a different man, but the Slightly-Southern-Twang-With-Just-a-Hint-of-Phone-Sex lady’s voice was becoming mannish. Was she going through a sex change?

I hung up and called back immediately. It went back to normal, meaning the Slightly-Southern-Twang-With-Just-a-Hint-of-Phone-Sex lady was back.

What if she reverts to a man again? It’s probably just a technical fix. But one thing I’ve learned about AT&T is they don’t do technical fixes. They’re gonna do what they’re gonna do.