Fuck “Evan Almighty.” The Noah story needs darkness.

Deep in the forest, the squirrels hold a talent show. “Forest Idyll”. A folk-dancing duo, Shana and Spencer, smile and kiss up to the audience, but they’re awful. Polite applause. They’re followed by Delilah, a sexpot who reclines and shoots acorns out of her vagina. A third squirrel, Jordan, tells jokes about coons. Mr. Cheeks, the mayor of Squirrel Forest, has heard enough. He declares “Forest Idyll” a thing of the past.

Days later. Something is in the air. Squirrels sniff it in fear, then skitter off to protect their loved ones.

“What is it?” Shana asks. “A big storm is coming,” Spencer says, “bigger than ever. We better be prepared.” They head to the Acorn Bank and withdraw their entire savings. In fact, their fright-mongering sets off a run on the bank.

That night, thunder and lightning, but no rain. Mr. Cheeks, in bed, listens to the wind. Over and over he hears an indistinct voice. Finally he gets it. He calls a town meeting and shouts the good news. “Fear not. A man is coming to save us all.”

The forest’s edge. Noah directs his wife and sons as they build an ark. They are bitter, but recognize the importance of Noah keeping his gown immaculate.

Soon the ark is finished. Noah recites the list of animals he must gather. His wife asks, “What about the squirrels?”

“I don’t like squirrels,” he says.

His wife nags and nags. “God wants squirrels, etc etc.” Finally Noah agrees. “Okay, okay. But they have to pass a test”

“What test?”

“I’ll figure something out.” he says.

A light rain begins. Noah’s wife and children shepherd the animals up the ramp. Noah sets off into the forest, calling back, “I’m off to fetch your damn squirrels.”

Deep in the woods, he encounters Mr. Cheeks. “You must be the man the wind told me about. I was just coming to see you.”

Noah agrees he is the man. As they walk, he instructs Cheeks to tell his squirrels they’ll be judged on talent. “I’ll be taking the most entertaining male and female on my ark.”

Cheeks begs him to save them all, but Noah says 40,000 square cubits of deck isn’t really very big.

Spencer and Shana are nearby, hiding in a bush. They hear Mr. Cheeks ask, “What kind of talents are we talking about?” Noah winks and leers, “I like things a little off the beaten track.” Spencer and Shana share a look.

Cheeks calls the squirrels together and announces one last performance of “Forest Idyll.”

Later. Noah is among a huge, hopeful crowd. Mr. Cheeks takes the stage and announces the first act, Spencer and Shana.

The duo steps into the lights and and makes a big to-do about their special guest. Shana lies on her back, and as Spencer begins telling coon jokes he stole from Jordan, she shoots acorns into the audience.

Noah is delighted.

Delilah and Jordan, backstage, steam in impotent rage.

Shana and Spencer, of course, are chosen. The squirrels watch in disgust as the lowlifes march off, hand in hand with Noah. They make it to the ark just as the downpour begins.

Rain. Rain. Rain. The water rises, but the ark does not lift. Noah was too frugal with the pitch. Water pours in and goes up from floor to floor. The unicorns drown. Then the centaurs. Then other animals that have never been seen in the modern day. Shana and Spencer, locked in a small theater, drown. Only beasts recognizable to the 21st century make it to the top decks.

The rain stops.

The squirrels in the forest have waited out the rain in the treetops. They’re fine.

The ark, in its lowland clearing, takes a week to drain. The surviving animals descend the ramp gloomily. Noah follows, cowering as his wife and children beat him with sticks.

Years later. Delilah and Jordan are surrounded by their offspring. Old Mr. Cheeks rests in a rocker. Jordan recounts the Great Flood story in his inimitable way. Just as he begins a racist anecdote, a coon wags a finger. Jordan catches himself, and resumes the telling.

Credits roll. An acorn flies from the direction of Delilah’s couch and hits a frying pan with a ding. Laughter is heard from squirrels and coons of all ages.