We live with clichés. Even those of us who hate them, accommodate them. Nobody can be original at every moment. But, damn, when people fuck in the movies, why does it always have to be such a virtuouo display of art direction?

You hear the panting, possibly a squeaking bed. The camera moves down the hallway, over a cast-off shirt and skirt and blouse. Ah, there’s the open bedroom door. The gasps and moans pick up steam. The camera turns the corner and we see the upright back of a woman, slowly thrusting vertically. The bedsheets are carefully arranged to show the precise amount of buttcrack focus groups dictate. Cut to a close shot of her head, in profile. Her swan-like neck is bent forward. A single drop of sweat drips from her nose onto a passive piece of meat – presumably an aroused male.

In the history of intercourse – outside of films – how often would you say the man-beneath, woman-astride position prevails? Speaking personally, I would think it’s below 0.5%. Of course, I realize it’s different strokes for different folks.

And the missionary position. Fine. But who does it that way under blankets? Ever. In the dead of winter, in a cabin with no heat, under blankets, you would never have sex missionary-style. You’d find some other position. Probably on your sides. Or you’d throw the bedclothes off and enjoy the tasty mixture of hot and icy cold. The truth is the movie people don’t show us the missionary position uncovered because it would force us to look at a man’s ugly ass pumping away. Sorry, get a pimple technician if you must. This is getting ridiculous.

I’m on this tear because I just saw the wonderful “You can count on me” once again. The only false note was the sex the Laura Linney character had with her boss (Matthew Broderick). Yes — MBWA.

In only one movie, outside of porn, have I seen unadorned dogstyle rutting. It was “Black Robe”, a movie about Indians in Quebec – excuse me, Native Canadians. At any rate, it was a wonderful film that managed to avoid the same-old same-old at every turn.

Directors should show us believable sex, or no sex at all. In the midst of a great story, we don’t need to be reminded by stupid convention that we are watching a movie.